Bananas

As with “Mr. Simpson”, this song was the result of an online song contest. The contest rule was to write a song that mentioned the word “banana” at least once in the song. I guess I took it one step further and actually wrote the whole song about bananas. It wasn’t difficult as bananas just happen to be my favourite fruit. The song didn’t win in the contest but I know it was enjoyed by many. Again, stylistically, I’d say this is right in my comfort zone. Quirky is good : )

Bananas : Music & Lyrics by Daphne Kalfon © 2004

bananas about bananas
that’s what people say about me
cuz when I get up in the morn
the first thing I need
the first thing I reach for
the first thing I crave
is not a cup of java...but a big, beautiful, banana!!!

bananas are my favourite food
the most delectable fruit
I like ‘em when they’re still green
and I don’t care where they’ve been
they like to live where it’s hot
and they won’t grow if it’s not
they’re high in Vitamin B
and all the fibre I need

you can call me a monkey
I don’t mind at all
bananas are so cool and funky
they’re guaranteed to make you smile
they help you go that extra mile
they make an awesome bread or cake
eat one today for goodness sake!

bananas are my favourite food
the most delectable fruit
I like ‘em when they’re still green
and I don’t care where they’ve been
they like to live where it’s hot
and they won’t grow if it’s not
they’re high in Vitamin B
and all the fibre I need
if if you know what I mean

you can call me a monkey
I don’t mind at all
bananas are so cool and funky
they’re guaranteed to make you smile
they help you go that extra mile
they make an awesome bread or cake
eat one today for goodness sake!

bananas
I just can’t live without ‘em
bananas
I need one every day, at least one
bananas
and they’re so convenient, you can take them anywhere
bananas
they even come with their very own wrapper!
bananas
and they’re ready to eat, and good to eat, any time of day
at work, rest or play
I mean, you can practically live on those things
and like, what’s the first thing an athlete reaches for after he’s run a race? a banana of course!

Kate’s Keys

Although I had previously written a few songs that contained some spoken word in them, this was the first piece I wrote that was entirely spoken word. Again, the jazz influence is very strong here, although I would really be hard-pressed to categorize the accompanying music I wrote here. I suppose you could call this a performance piece, or a live sketch for the theatre.

Kate’s Keys : Music & Lyrics by Daphne Kalfon © 2005

I couldn’t find my keys this morning, and to make matters their absolute worst, I was already late for my dental appointment.

Now where on earth could I have put those keys? I’ve looked in every possible place they could be.

I’ve turned everything upside down! Damn those keys! Where in G-d’s name are they?

Hiding of course.

There is simply nowhere else for me to look.

On top of the refrigerator, under the sofa in the living room, through every single drawer that exists in my kitchen, home office, and bathroom... I have even checked the litter box!

Should I have just stayed in bed this morning? called in to cancel my appointment?

Oh, wait! I forgot a spot...

False alarm, I have already looked there. I just can’t think of anywhere else to look. I am truly at my wits end.

Should I start moving furniture? and ripping out the carpet? or maybe I should get myself a metal detector.

I KNEW I should have made copies of my keys and kept them somewhere safe!

but I never got around to doing it, did I?

I swear, I’ve learned my lesson... I will never let this happen again...

Now where are my keys?!?

I really was looking forward to finally getting my root canal done and over with today...

fate has other plans...

So what am I going to do now, sit in the corner and feel sorry for myself? I’ve got to do something? But I can’t just leave the house with the door unlocked.

Maybe this once I can just trust the neighbours - I mean, they seem harmless enough...
So it looks like I’m off to my dental appointment after all!

What in hell is this?!?

There are keys on the outside of my door, still sitting in the deadbolt lock - and they are my keys!!! How could I do such a thing! Was I on drugs last night?

I must be losing my mind. There is simply no other explanation for this. Right after my root canal, I am going straight to the doctor to get myself checked. This is most worrisome. I cannot believe I could do such a thing.

All that aggravation I went through this morning... and for what?... I can’t think of anything worse...they were sitting in the lock the whole time - and overnight no less. How scandalous! Can you imagine? Unbelievable. What am I to make of this?

After I get myself checked, if they find nothing wrong with me, that means it was just a glitch in the system - my brain had a temporary lapse, nothing more. Let’s just hope it doesn’t happen again, because really, I don’t know what I would do then. I just can’t deal with these kinds of situations.

Wait, I’m getting ahead of myself. After all, I still haven’t even left to go to my appointment.

Should I phone to let them know I’m late???

I’m sure they know I’m coming; after all, who would want to miss a root canal?

“Hello, this is Kate. I just wanted to let Dr. Dimbleby know that I’m running a little late for my appointment. I beg your pardon? My appointment was yesterday? But how could that be? I had it programmed into my electronic organizer months ago, when you gave it to me. There must surely be a mistake.

Oh, there is? a fee for missed appointments?

but I, could I, well if, I, I didn’t...

Well this hardly seems fair to me! I think I’ll just find myself another dentist.

Good Day!”

I really didn’t need that damn root canal anyway! What was I honestly thinking!

I think I’ll go to the locksmith now, and get myself, another set of, keys.

What a Holiday

After “I Love My Mac” came out on the December 2005 issue of MacAddict’s CD-ROM, many of you asked if I would write a Christmas tune, and not wanting to disappoint, I wrote one, and this was what came out. Good holiday fun. All done in GarageBand. And yes those are all JamPack instruments, believe it or not! :-)

What a Holiday : Music and Lyrics by Daphne Kalfon © 2005

made a handy list
already checked it twice
going store to store to get the very best price
feeling kind of stressed
little time to rest
elves are working overtime to do their very best

the yule-tide log
and the rum and eggnog
and the tie-on reindeer antlers on the family dog
Christmas is here the end of yet another year
what a holiday

friends and family
gather gleefully
though there’s always someone that you’d rather not see
better not to pout
cuz that’s what it’s about
may the season bring you peace and joy and harmony

the yule-tide log
and the rum and eggnog
and the tie-on reindeer antlers on the family dog
Christmas is here the end of yet another year
what a holiday

repeat

children, singing, playing in the snow
sleighbells, ringing,
Santa Claus will soon be coming down the chimney ho-ho!

the yule-tide log
and the rum and eggnog
and the tie-on reindeer antlers on the family dog
Christmas is here the end of yet another year
what a holiday

repeat

Lolly

The first entirely spoken word piece I did was called “Kate’s Keys”. I had great fun writing it, and wanted to write another one. For this next one, I was thinking along the lines of basing it on the style of nursery rhymes, and that’s how “Lolly” was born. This could be considered a musical number for an as yet unnamed theatrical stage production. And yes, it is a bit dark, but aren’t most nursery rhymes?

Lolly : Music and Lyrics by Daphne Kalfon © 2005

Lolly was a girl at school who never brushed her hair
she always wore the same old green beret
Lolly was a girl at school who didn’t seem to care
never did she go outside to play

hush, hush
she never spoke a word
didn't seem to want to have a friend
boo hoo
don’t you make her cry
tears of Lolly never had an end

Lolly was a girl at school who never brushed her hair
she always wore the same old green beret
Lolly was a girl at school who didn’t seem to care
never did she go outside to play

Lolly isn’t feeling well
went to see the nurse
seems she has a fever
they’ll have to send her home
seems to be a sickly child
don’t know why that is
maybe she just wants to be alone

Lolly was a girl at school who never brushed her hair
she always wore the same old green beret
Lolly was a girl at school who didn’t seem to care
never did she go outside to play

Lolly never bit her nails
never killed a fly
never took a bite of plastercine
Lolly never broke a toy
never lost her shoes
everything she did was by routine

flip-flop belly drop
sittin’ in the corner
eating all the bumbleberry pie

barn yard scramble
hiding in the corner
hope it doesn’t poke you in the eye

Lolly come to play now
we’ve been waiting for you
perhaps she’s in a state we’ve never seen

Lolly come to play now
we’ve been looking for you
perhaps she’s in a place we’ve never been

dark and scary
blue, black and green
full of things that like to break your mind
maybe there’s a scary face, one we’ve never seen
only in a nightmare would we find

Lolly was a girl at school who never brushed her hair
she always wore the same old green beret
Lolly was a girl at school who didn’t seem to care
never did she go outside to play

finders keepers losers the weepers
last one to the tree is a rotten egg

gummy bears and jelly beans
hoppety-scotch and figurines
shake around the tambourine
dressing up for Halloween
hoola-hoops and hotdogs
skip rope and leapfrogs
peanut butter and raspberry jam
try to catch me if you can

ring around the posie...

Lolly was a girl at school who never brushed her hair
she always wore the same old green beret
Lolly was a girl at school who didn’t seem to care
never did she go outside to play


nobody has seen her
she hasn’t been to school
we’re curious to know what could be the cause
wonder blunder curtains drawn asunder
finally we might be able to see

slither to the window
stealthy as a snake
careful they don’t see us
grounded for a year
can’t resist the urge to peak
like a game of hide and seek

the old house is empty
not a scrap left behind
just what kind of people are they
that they could do such a thing
it leaves us all rather confused
and wondering if it’s something that we did, or didn’t do
or said or didn’t say
and that if we had said this thing or done that thing,
then maybe things would be very much different than they are now

it’s a little late to speculate
they’ve probably gone as far away as the moon
away away up high
up into the sky
never to be seen or heard of again

Lolly was a girl at school who never brushed her hair
she always wore the same old green beret
Lolly was a girl at school who didn’t seem to care
never did she go outside to play

Unknown

This rap style song basically recounts my life story in about 6 minutes, at least up untill 'I Love My Mac' took off.

Unknown:Music & Lyrics by Daphne Kalfon © 2005

when I was four, was the first time I explored
the moving pieces in a row that is called a piano
I played a simple tune, while my mom was in the room
she was watching in surprise, couldn’t quite believe her eyes

so they got me lessons, some very happy sessions
with a guy who really was a piano tuner by profession
well I made my own music, I played up a storm
what a joy to just create in this newfound artform

a real fine story, no need to feel sorry
‘til they decided to enroll me in the big conservatory
with a teach of a certain age, crusty old and grey
she didn’t like the way that I could already play

she said “what you need is to learn how to read”
but that was only the beginning of her tyranny
she had me practice every day, according to her way
she piled the books up high with a glitter in her eye

there were concerts competitions master classes and exams
no time for composition cuz she didn’t give a damn
gone were the days when I could just sit and play
the tortured artist in me began to lose its way

and this went on for many years, until my weary ears
discovered a music with pizzazz that is also known as jazz

musical interlude a la jazz

I started taking lessons, once again had happy sessions
I was gettin’ all creative, my teach appreciative
those were real good times, helped to ease my mind
I knew my life was music but to my dismay would find

that my mother was opposed, said the door was closed
that she’d never help me out if that was what I chose
she said I’d never make it, no way to facilitate it
I just wanted to cry, I was dyin’ inside

good-bye to creativity hello to university
I studied real hard went to classes dutifully
but my heart was aching, my spirit nearly breaking
from oppression and neglect, of having to forget

what was integral to me, what I was born to be
what made me feel so alive made me truly want to strive
what made my spirit sing, the joy that it could bring
was buried deep inside from years of having to hide

and I ask you this:
why am I, still undiscovered still a complete unknown
I just don’t get it, I just don’t get it
why am I, still undiscovered still a complete unknown

I fell into the abyss, what the hell is this
its not what I had had in mind, and all that I could find
was dread and helplessness, a crushing emptiness
and with no easy way out, what was it about

well it was what I had to do, I needed to go through
to reclaim my own mind, my sanity to find
and get my spirit back, that had been so attacked
I was my own person now, to no one would I bow

and with my newfound self, feelin’ really swell
I met my shining knight, the partner for my life
he made me feel complete, he swept me off my feet
but then before too long, he knew something was wrong

he said why in hell, has what you do so well
been systematically ignored, well not for one day more
I got a studio, a place where I could go
to get the music out, cuz that’s what it’s about

it was alive again, music was the friend
that I had lost in time, but once again was mine
and it was here to stay, it would help me play
as in the days of yore, when I was only four

short musical interlude

multi-track recording, a profusion of sound
what a treasure trove of goodies had I finally found
I started to discover all the music in my head
it was only the beginning of the work that lay ahead

I wrote scores for animation, studied orchestration
wanted to be a film composer but I’m not a brown-noser
so it really got depressing, things were not progressing
so I had to let it go, but it turned out to be a blessing

cuz I knew I loved song, and so it wasn’t long
before I started to write, words and music taking flight
creating ballads and pop, country/western and rock
americana and jazz, even jingles with pizzazz

and I ask you this:
why am I, still undiscovered still a complete unknown
I just don’t get it, I just don’t get it
why am I, still undiscovered still a complete unknown

I play the piano myself, I don’t need your help
cuz I can do it on my own, I always work alone
but what I really should confess, how I define success
is what my listeners say, if they like the way

my music swirls inside their head, like a vintage red
it’s got a full bouquet of notes, I know I’ve got your votes
but more importantly than that, is the very fact
that I can move you to a place, an other worldly space

where you have never been before, I touch the very core
of the emotional realm, I am at the helm
of this intangible ship, I take us on a trip
and its a real good bet, one you won’t forget

and so I ask you all this, how can I exist
and be completely unknown, standing all alone
there’s got to be a way in, some way to begin
a music journey of my own, from all the seeds I’ve sown

chorus
solo

Am I Being Unfair

This song has an interesting story. It was based on a forum discussion at www.macjams.com, and when at one point, a person in the discussion (Eduard) half-seriously wished that the original forum post could be made into a song, I couldn’t resist the challenge. I must say, with some of the lyrics already in place, it only took a few minutes for me to rework them and to create the chorus and verse melodies, and from there, it was a musical romp of a very unusual and unique nature. The other voice you hear in the song is that of Eduard. Needless to say, it was a most fun-filled collaborative effort. Many thanks to all involved!

All music by Daphne Kalfon. Initial lyrics unwittingly provided by CJorgensen on a macjams forum, same lyrics put into song form by Eduard Schwan aka Drakonis, with further additions and rearranging of lyrics by Daphne Kalfon © 2005

Am I Being Unfair

from my anecdotal experience
of listening to and rating songs on this site
which I seem to do practically all day and all night
it looks like about one in five have lyrics.
(we both say this line) I think the reason for this is obvious,
but I don’t know if I’m wrong
or if I’m right...

am I being unfair?
sometimes it kind of feels like a waste (like a waste)
are we just unaware?
or do the words truly add taste...

Apple has made it so easy (so easy)
to throw a handful of loops together
add an effect, and call it a song
but I don’t know if it’s right or wrong?

chorus

why am I being elitist (such snobbery! who me?)
since I don’t know how to play note one (not one? not a one!)
song after song, did I just have deja vu
but I don’t know why it makes me blue... (so blue, so blue)

chorus

I tend to rate songs with lyrics higher (between ten and one)
since the effort seems to be more (seems to be)
I’m throwing this out there for discussion
cuz I don’t really know what’s in store... (in store, in store)

chorus twice



Daphna’s tirade over repeating chorus/music:

I would have to agree with that assessment, that there are many more piece on macjams without lyrics than there are with. And I also agree that the reason for this is obvious,
the reason being that it is easier to write a piece without lyrics than with, unless of course you are talking about an intricate orchestral piece, or some other kind of instrumental piece that requires an advanced skill level, and a vast knowledge of music. Then, in my estimation, even though such pieces contain no lyrics, they are at least or probably more difficult to write than a piece containing lyrics, but of course this all depends on a myriad of variables...
Excuse me! Hello?!? I’m still talking here!!!
I wasn’t finished yet! Do you mind!!!
This has got to be the most ridiculous song I have ever heard in my entire life!
Quite frankly, I don’t give a damn about this topic anymore!
I don’t even know how I got myself into this in the first place! But I’m leaving now. Yes, really! But we could at least shut off this horrendous music? Please?!?
Oh, well it’s about bloody time! I never thought I’d hear the end of it! I mean really, did it have to go on for so long?!?

drakonis’s tirade over repeating chorus/music:

I’m afraid I don’t agree with that. There are centuries of classical music that have no lyrics, and I personally enjoy a lot of music that has no lyrics. In fact, when I write songs, they usually have no lyrics... why? Because I believe that writing music and writing lyrical poetry are two different talents. Some people are good at both. If somebody writes a beautifully arranged and performed song and it has no lyrics, I won't criticize it because it has no words. But, part of your hypothesis was that Apple's GarageBand loops were actually suppressing people's ability to add lyrics to their songs...
Hey.. uh, I’m still talking...
You know, it’s really rude to sing over people while they’re still talking?
Blah-blah.
Fine... just keep on singing. I don’t think anybody’s listening to either of us any more anyway. My futile ranting and your sappy music have definitely sabotaged any attempt at having an intelligent discussion about this topic. I’m finished... hey, you can stop now... I’m turning off the lights... bye...

Mr. Simpson

In the spring of 2005 on macjams, a song contest was announced - it was a “MacJams/TuneMedia GarageBand Composition Contest”, with the main rule being to incorporate at least three loops from TuneMedia into your song. The loops to be used in the contest were made available as a free download. If you’ve been reading everything prior to this, you know that I love a challenge. I downloaded and previewed several of the TuneMedia loops, and there were three that really jumped out at me. The moment I combined them, “Mr. Simpson” emerged. Perhaps he had been waiting in the wings.

Mr. Simpson : Music & Lyrics by Daphne Kalfon © 2005

Mr. Simpson won’t you try to be my friend
when is all this trouble ever going to end

you let your dog relieve himself on my lawn (every single day!)
you put your garbage where it doesn’t belong (on my property!)
and you don’t seem to think there’s anything wrong
but let me tell you, tell you, tell you

I could give your dog a bone, a special one when he’s alone
and nobody’ll know, who caused his early demise
I could rent a farmer’s truck and fill it with some real good stuff
and nobody’ll know, who left that smelly surprise
and then I’ll be gone...

Mr. Simpson won’t you try to be my friend
when is all this trouble ever going to end

you let your gardener chop my favourite tree (it was grandmother’s!)
you play accordion at quarter to three (in the morning!)
it’s your true nature that you don’t wanna see
but let me tell you, tell you, tell you

I could cut your fruit trees down and prune your roses to the ground
and nobody’ll know, the green thumb on the go
I could bring a bagpipe band the biggest loudest in the land
and nobody’ll know, just what brought on the show
and then I’ll be gone...

I’m telling you Mr. Simpson, this can’t go on. Remember that line that says “love thy neighbour? Well, doesn’t it mean anything to you? ... at all? Here goes...”

Mr. Simpson won’t you try to be my friend
when will all this trouble (ever) end

Mr. Simpson's Bomb Ditty

Soon after I posted “Mr. Simpson” on macjams, it was bombed - it was given one or more very low ratings. I was rather miffed about it of course, but instead of going on a tirade, I quickly whipped up this little ditty, a kind of jingle you could say, to let people know what happened and to tell them to go have a listen to “Mr. Simpson”.

Mr. Simpson’s Bomb-Ditty : Music and Lyrics by Daphne Kalfon © 2005

Mr. Simpson got bombed today
he became distressed and perplexed, in a Mr. Simpson kind of way
but he got a hold of himself
and he asked me if I could play this little ditty
because he has this for me to say

listen to “Mr. Simpson”
he’s on macjams and waiting for you
so please do come on by

yes, it’s my shameless self-promotion
better than creating another commotion
around this whole rating thing
it can really mess things up
and bring things down
in a big way
when all most people really wanna do
is just play

you know, I don’t know why,
but I have this terrible sinking feeling
that I should have gone into jingle writing
you know, for commericals, and that sort of thing

listen to “Mr. Simpson”
he’s on macjams and waiting for you
so please do come on by
please do come on by
please do come on by